Care too much?

A possessive or controlling type of individual is a person who may struggle to help others without being too pushy because they may have difficulty letting go of control or allowing others to make their own decisions.

Although this behavior may not be a bad thing, it can easily get out of hand when someone is unable to set boundaries and know when to let go, trust, and empower others.

Psychology generally recommends against being too controlling in relationships, as it can have negative effects on both the person being controlled and the person doing the controlling. The following are few reasons why this behavior can easily become detrimental.

It damages relationships. Controlling behavior can lead to resentment, anger, and frustration in relationships. It can cause the person being controlled to feel like they’re not being heard or respected, which can lead to a breakdown in communication and trust.

Think about it, whether you have been on the receiving end or the giving end. I’m sure at first, it felt great. You were being helpful, or someone has been helpful to you. Then, you were feeling as if the person was treating you as a child who could not sustain himself. If you were the one controlling, you probably started feeling overwhelmed because of all the responsibility you had to carry. Sounds familiar?

Furthermore, if you are the controlling type in the situation, it becomes too much to bear. Your stress level rises due to the need for constant control. If you are not careful, you will start to come across as insecure. It is a hard task when one tries to control every aspect of one’s life. Remember that the lives of others can be exhausting and stressful, leading to further anxiety. Believe me, you don’t want that. You have a lot already on your plate with your own life to deal with.

If you continue this behavior, you will notice that you will start to slowly push people away. It is great to have people in one life for some time. Seek just to know a little, not too much, because the more involved you are, the harder it gets. Rather, if you seek to know too much or control too much, you may become so overwhelmed that you would not want to be around anyone anymore. This can lead to loneliness and a lack of social support and be detrimental to your mental health and peace.

Now that we know why we need to not seek to control anything or anyone for the sake of our mental health, let’s address what we can do instead and how we can keep ourselves in check.

Controlling type of behavior can range from mild to serious issues in a relationship of any kind. In a romantic relationship, the overly controlling partner may easily come across as jealous, insecure, or anxious. In a parent-and-child relationship, this behavior is usually referred to as “helicopter” parenting. More on this in another post.

The following are a few strategies I’ve experienced and believe can help the controlling type balance their desire to help with respect for others’ autonomy.

Practice active listening more often. Listen carefully to what the other person is saying without interrupting or imposing your own opinions. Try to understand their needs and concerns before offering any solutions. Let me give you an example. A friend was in a bad relationship. She reached out, crying all messed up, not knowing what to do with herself. You reached out and helped, and a few months later, things started looking good again. She is hopeful once more and is ready to take on the world. But because you knew better, what do you do? You started to watch every step she takes because you want to protect her. STOP right the way.

Instead, offer help, but let her decide. Give her pointers and trust her to make the right decision this time. Be ready to support her and lend a hand if she needs you, but don’t be in her face all the time reminding her of her previous mistakes. You will just make matters worse. Don’t be constantly telling her what to do, offer your soft and gentle assistance and let her decide whether to accept it or not. For example, you could say, “If you need to run anything by me anytime, please let me know.”

You must respect boundaries. In the above use case, it will be good that you keep your space and give your friend her own. Respect her decision always and avoid overstepping or over-advising her or even treating her as a child. Ask for permission before offering any advice or help and always state that your advice was just a suggestion and not a request.

Assume things go badly once more. Please still don’t rub it in her face. Please avoid the “I told you so”. Allow your friend to reflect when she is ready. Guide her through her healing process and don’t judge. Give her space to figure things out on her own time. It’s important to show that you trust her to sort things out, to understand where she went wrong, and to make the right choices next time.

By following the above steps, not only you will empower your friend, but you will also give her validation that she is the master of her own decisions and life and can take charge. By doing so, you will allow her to build her confidence and skills, so that she can become more self-sufficient and more ready to quickly address the situation that is about to go wrong.

By following these strategies, regardless of how protective or possessive one can be, one can still help others without overshadowing the others’ ability to decide for themselves. It’s important to remember that everyone has their way of doing things and respecting that is key to building positive relationships with others. STAY POSITIVE!