I’ve always wondered how two people will go through a similar situation in life and yet come up with two completely different coping mechanisms to move forward. In this blog, we will explore the psychology of two behaviors and what scientists think are the driving factors behind them.
The first category is people who once got severely hurt by others and unknowingly started seeking revenge every day. They go through life as transactional and are scared that people will hurt them again. As a result, they want to hurt others or manipulate and control others before others “hurt” them once more.
The second category of wounded people is the ones who were badly wounded, but their moving forward resolution is “not on my watch,” never again. These people start fighting tooth and nail to protect others with all they’ve got. They shield their protegees and, by doing so, will take even more hits. However, they will keep telling themselves; I’ve been hurt before, so I can take it. I can handle it, but my protegee should never experience this hardship. It is not fair to my protegee. I want to protect them from this cruel world.
The first category, who were once badly wounded by the trust they put in people and were hurt, were severely hurt and couldn’t get over it. They were once amazing people with all the warmth in their hearts and wanted the best for the world. However, along the way, something went awfully wrong. Their trust was misused, and the people they relied on stabbed them in the back and left them for dead. They struggled to get back up and cope and didn’t know if they would make it out alive. Once they survived, all they could think of was revenge and taking back their once held power.
Psychologists have extensively studied the behavior of people who seek revenge, and their findings have shed light on the psychological processes behind this behavior. One key factor is the concept of “revenge fantasies,” which are vivid and detailed mental scenarios in which a person envisions harming or punishing the person who hurt them. According to research, these fantasies can be a way for people to cope with feelings of powerlessness and helplessness that arise after being hurt by others. By imagining themselves in a position of power, they can regain control over their lives.
Another psychological process contributing to revenge-seeking behavior is the concept of “negative reciprocity.” This behavior refers to the idea that people respond to hostile actions in kind, with equal or greater negativity. Essentially, if someone hurts us, we feel justified in hurting them or others, and by doing so, we continue the vicious circle of pain and suffering.
However, research has shown that negative reciprocity can be problematic. For example, in a study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, the participants were asked to imagine seeking revenge on someone who had hurt them. These participants experienced a decrease in positive and an increase in negative emotions. Additionally, participants who sought revenge in the study experienced more significant distress and lower life satisfaction than those who did not seek revenge. Can you think of a time when you thought of punishing someone who was rude to you or did something terrible to you, yet all you got was no sense of satisfaction? If anything, you felt worse after the fact. Ultimately all we gain by falling into this behavior is chasing good people away from our life and losing great relationships and genuine friends.
People who want to hurt people back after being hurt themselves may display specific characteristics. One of the most common traits is anger. These people are often angry at those who have hurt them and may have difficulty controlling their emotions or trusting anyone. They may also be prone to lashing out and venting their anger on others and thinking that everyone is out to get them.
Another trait that people who want to hurt people back may exhibit is a lack of empathy. They may have difficulty understanding other people’s feelings or may not care about how their actions impact others. This lack of empathy can lead to them hurting others without realizing the consequences of their actions.
Therefore, the next time you find yourself around someone being rude or mistreating others and cannot understand why you are apprehensive, know that this person was once hurt and cannot let go.
The second category of wounded people is someone who experiences hurt, betrayal, or trauma at the hands of another person. However, this trauma left a deep emotional scar. These individuals who have gone through this type of experience may become hyper-vigilant and want to protect others from experiencing similar pain. This behavior is often driven by a deep sense of empathy and a desire to prevent others from going through what they have gone through.
One theory that explains this behavior is called the “trauma transfer” theory. This theory suggests that individuals who have experienced trauma have a heightened awareness of potential danger and are, therefore, more likely to identify and want to protect others from similar threats. According to this theory, people who have been hurt in the past may be more likely to see danger where others do not, and this can motivate them to take action to protect others.
Research has found that individuals who have experienced trauma are more likely to display altruistic behaviors, such as helping others and volunteering their time. In a study published in the journal Social Psychological and Personality Science, researchers found that individuals who reported experiencing trauma were more likely to engage in prosocial behaviors, such as donating money to charity or volunteering in their community. This study suggests that the desire to help others may be driven by a need to create a positive outcome from a negative experience.
Another explanation for this behavior is that individuals who have experienced trauma may feel empowered when they help others. Research has shown that helping others can boost self-esteem and provide a sense of purpose and meaning. By protecting others from harm, individuals who have experienced trauma may feel like they are making a positive difference in the world and taking control of their lives.
In addition to the psychological benefits of helping others, research has also shown that altruistic behaviors can have physical health benefits. According to a study published in the journal Health Psychology, individuals who engage in prosocial behaviors have lower levels of inflammation, associated with a wide range of health problems, including heart disease, diabetes, and cancer. I was fascinated by the additional health perks of showing kindliness to the world. All I could say was sign me up.
Now that we’ve assessed these two types of behaviors in the world guess which type is the dominant in the world accordingly to studies. I’m sure you thought right. Most of us are “takers,” as Adam Grant explains in his book, Give and Take a Revolutionary Approach to Success. Takers are mostly, a zero-sum games player. It is more of do to others before they do you. I’m sure you heard it is a jungle out there term often.
Unfortunately, this is human being true nature. This type of behavior comes to us naturally. We are descendants of sapiens, meaning that we are fighters and survivors. Therefore, it is only natural to be the first type of person who seeks revenge, as an eye for an eye as directed by the old Hammurabi Code of Laws.
If you find yourself in the first category and wish to change, that is possible. You need to allow a friend who can objectively, without judging you, to call you out when it happens. Open up to this close friend, and share what happened to you so next time you start treating someone like you were once treated, the friend can gently signal you. With time, you will have done this exercise so often that you can recognize when you start drifting off and address it quickly. You will be able to rise above and go back to who you once were, kind and amazing.
Remember that people who have been hurt and hold on to this feeling forever have been identified by science that this behavior is often driven by anger, frustration, and a need for justice. However, many people fail to realize that seeking revenge can often have negative consequences on one’s mental health and overall well-being. Unfortunately, this comes to us naturally and, therefore, is harder to fight as the alternative conflicts with our natural human behaviors. So, beware of not falling for this thinking. Fight it every day.
My point is that it is natural human sense to feel that the world is a terrible place. But be the one to make it a better world by being kind to one person at a time every day. Be the person who gets hurt but shields others from ever suffering the same faith as you. Protect others at all causes. I know this sounds silly, utopian, and even naïve, but what is the world? Why are we here if not for others’ well-being. I’m sure you think this is not possible, but I firmly believe it is possible to turn a naïve eye to the world. Always think of the best of others and anticipate the best in others.
Please, be the one person to be naïve and “dumb“ enough to take a bullet for your neighbor. To suffer for someone you have never met, to stick your neck out for someone who will never return the favor. Because you may be the only thing that stands between that person and death, remember it was never about you. It was always about others life saved.
If you are in the second category already, more power to you. You are amazing, your soul is beautiful, and the world needs more of you. If you fall in this category, I understand that chances are that rarely anyone thanked you. It means that your task is so complicated that sometimes, it is hard to get up in the morning, but you get up every day and fight with your natural being. As Michelle Obama stated, you go high every day when everyone else chooses the easy route to go low. It is indeed very easy to go with the grain and go low, but you decided to fight, to go against the grain, to stand tall and alone and go high, but let me tell you, that you are a champion and a warrior. You are a legend, and your deed will not be wasted.
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